Empathy: What is it and how we get it?

January 13, 2016 in Counseling

Empathy is a hot topic right now.  At least two new books are devoted to empathy.  Many articles have recently been written about it. Radio talk shows have discussed empathy with authors who have studied and worked with identifying and defining it and callers who often weigh in on the subject.

On-line dictionary definitions of empathy state it is the ability to understand and share the emotional feeling of another.  Another states it is shared experiences, values, ethics and beliefs.  Psychologist Carl Rogers theorized that empathy is the ability to [truly] understand another’s feeling, desires, ideas, and actions.

The dictionary definition goes on to compare empathy with sympathy and concludes though the terms are all too often used interchangeably, they have very different meanings. Sympathy is simply feeling sorry for someone with the possible addition of, “Wow, I’m glad it isn’t me!” Empathy is actually experiencing others pain and joy through first-hand knowledge.

To really experience empathy you must have experienced something that is directly related to the other’s experience.  As stated above you have to not only have a shared experience, but your feelings, ideas, actions, values, ethics and beliefs must also be shared with the other. These feelings trigger your past emotion about your own experience. So your current emotion includes both past and present aspects.  

Most of us experience sympathy, often including deep feelings of human kindness when we watch or hear about others dealing with tragedy, trauma, and despair.  But empathy is not the emotion you feel unless you have also experienced the same sort of tragedy, trauma, or despair.  The same holds true for extremely happy and joyous experiences. 

Okay, let’s look at examples: Your best friend’s young daughter dies in an accident.  If you have not experienced the death of your child, you cannot feel empathy.  You can feel extreme sympathy and deep human caring.  You can ache with feelings of what it must be like but empathy is not possible.  In fact, this is the ultimate “at least it isn’t me!” experience of sympathy for any parent.  The parent who has lost a child can never again watch, hear, or read of an incident involving the death of someone’s child without re-experiencing their own emotion, the painful and long process of grief, and feeling extreme empathy for the newly bereaved parent. 

Or how about the horrific experience of refugees from war torn areas?  Or the traumatic experienced by would be parents who cannot conceive?  Or the person suddenly disabled through accident or disease?  All of us can experience boatloads of sympathy and deep human feelings for these, and many other situations, but unless you have personal experience you cannot feel empathy.    

Empathy is not something you can “develop”.  It is something you must have in your book of personal knowledge to be able to experience.